New companies policies announcement.

[SaurielOfTheDarkOmen]

New Company Policy: Effective from January 2006


Dress Code

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag,
we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a
pay raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not
need a pay raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a pay raise.



Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come
to work.



HolidayDays

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.



Compassionate Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made
to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to
work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.



Toilet Use

1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now
a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet
paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your
picture will be taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the
company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the
company's mental health policy.



Lunch Break

1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more
so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced
meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the
time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.



Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an
employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment
experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere.



The Management